Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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