i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
