I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
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