my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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