The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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