I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
