Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
