You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He has the fingertips of a God
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