i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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