I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
