im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
