I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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