I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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