If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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