She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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