I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
