Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Text me some of your sweat
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