I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
