I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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