Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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