I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't turn off my feet"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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