eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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