4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."