not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.