pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
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Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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