The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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