Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
