I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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