Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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