im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
