The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
