what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
