My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
