I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
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I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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