just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
