I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
