Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
