never play flip cup with pint glasses
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
