I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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