Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
