The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
