never play flip cup with pint glasses
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
