Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
