This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
