im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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