Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
