Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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