All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
