So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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