when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
