I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
