we're blogging at a bar
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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