It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
