i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You made out with two different species that night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
