I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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