You don't have asthma, your pregnant
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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