Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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