I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
